


The Fools

by dreyars



Category: ALL OUT!! - Amase Shiori (Anime & Manga)
Genre: But not explicit, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-09-11 18:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9001471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreyars/pseuds/dreyars
Summary: A fool's heart was not one to be taken lightly. They could survive even through the darkest days, and see hope even when everyone else had given up.They were fools in love, and they would be fools to let this love go without a fight.





	1. Chapter 1

This place. This bed. This person lying next to him.

All things he wishes he could forget, leave behind, wash from his memory like it never even happened in the first place.

But it was all too familiar.

Shamefully familiar.

The harsh morning light, breaking through the cracks in the black curtains.

The sore feeling in his hips, muscles tense and bones aching.

The arms wrapped tightly around his waist, pulling him closer to the chest behind him every time he moved to get up.

Oharano wished he could leave. Throw the covers off, hide the dark bruises on his neck, and just leave.

But Horikawa would never let him.  Would remind him that he wanted to come back, even if he lied and said he hated him with every fiber of his being. 

Horikawa was a master of his moods, knowing exactly how to push his buttons, piss him off, and then stop before Oharano finally got fed up enough and left for good.

_“I want to break up.”_

He had had the thought before, when Horikawa pushed too hard, picked at him too long until he felt angry, exposed, and raw.   But then he saw Horikawa’s smirk, the one that made him melt and drew him in in the first place, and imagined his playful, lilting voice, whispering right in his ear.

_“No you don’t. You never do. You just say that so I get scared and worry about losing you.”_

_“But you’re mine.”_

_“All. **Mine**.”_

Oharano shivered, both from the cold air in Horikawa’s bedroom, and the feeling of his breath on the back of his neck. Horikawa groaned as Oharano tried to pull the blankets up to his chin, accepting the fact that he wasn’t going to be able to leave until Horikawa decided it was time for him to go. He wistfully eyed his shirt, thrown less than carefully over the back of Horikawa’s desk chair, before deciding there was no use. There was no way he could reach any of his clothes from here.

Closing his eyes, Oharano rubbed the side of his face into the pillow he was sharing with Horikawa. They were pressed back to front, Horikawa’s legs securely tangled with his own to really ensure he was stuck. Comfortably stuck.

Despite his misgivings and desire to leave, this situation that he found himself in was one that he quite enjoyed. Lazy mornings, never at risk of being intruded on because Horikawa’s parents always seemed to be out at work or with friends. Tightly held against a body much bigger than his own.  No words, no conversation, just soft touches and gentle smiles that almost made everything else that had happened between them worth it.

But it never made it okay.

What made Oharano sick to his stomach was what always led up to these quiet mornings, where he could almost convince himself that Horikawa loved him.

Horikawa could play him like a violin.  Making him angry, never apologizing while he was still upset, letting him go off on his own to cool down.  The source of his anger was different every time, depending on what Horikawa decided to pick on him about that day.  But Horikawa knew. He knew every _single_ one of Oharano’s insecurities, and he pretended like he didn’t.

The direct comments and criticisms hurt. Of course they did.  They were the ones that caused all of their fights, because they pissed him off enough to shout back and scold Horikawa for being such an asshole. Horikawa would laugh at him, tease him for getting so upset, and Oharano would roll his eyes and try to forget it.

But the off hand, casual remarks, the ones than made it seem like Horikawa really didn’t care how upset he got. Those tore him apart.  They were the ones that made Oharano’s breath catch in his throat and his words stick in his mouth. He could try with all his might to get something to come out, but he never tried too hard, lest his voice crack or he started to cry.

He would never cry in front of Horikawa. He had promised himself that long ago.  If Horikawa ever made him cry, that would be the last time they saw each other. Not so much because he was ashamed, but because Horikawa had finally pushed him that far.

It was the latter type of comment that had resulted in Oharano spending the night with Horikawa.  He didn’t even remember what they had been fighting about at this point, but he could still see the shitty grin on Horikawa’s face as Oharano walked away and went back home.  He had ignored the older boy for a good two weeks after that, not like Horikawa was actively trying to make amends with him throughout that time.  Oharano was _just_ starting to feel better (or, in other words, he was just starting to feel lonely without Horikawa bugging him every day), when Horikawa called him and asked for a chat.

That was how every one of their major fights had gone. They would get angry, Oharano would storm off before he said something he really regretted, and they would take their space.  Oharnao didn’t know what Horikawa did with his time when they were apart, and he really didn’t care, as long as Horikawa was there when he started to calm down.

And Horikawa always knew. He didn’t know how, but Horikawa always seemed to know when Oharano started to miss him. Always a day before Oharano would break down and calm him himself, Horikawa would swoop back in, begging for apologies, asking to see his beautiful face.

Oharano would let Horikawa eat him up without a second thought, desperate as he was to hear Horikawa’s voice again.

Desperate to see his face. Feel his hands on his skin.

Desperate.

It was never something Oharano ever wanted to be. It wasn’t a feeling he enjoyed, and yet, he couldn’t escape the cycle.

Some part of him wanted Horikawa, no matter how loudly every other part of his mind was screaming at him to turn away.

The rational part of his brain was telling him this would never work.  That Horikawa would either drive him to insanity or make him cry one of these days, and he would leave.

Or, that Horikawa would leave him when he decided that _this_ , whatever _this_ was, was no longer fun.

The part of his brain that Oharano could only describe as a fool told him to stay. To give Horikawa one more chance, to believe in him. He wasn’t all bad, and everyone could see it.

That was the part of himself that Oharano chose to believe more often, foolish as that decision was. He _knew_ Horikawa wasn’t all bad. Sure, his words could hurt, but everything else made him so happy… Horikawa spoiled him like no other, treating him to sweet things, buying him little presents just because they reminded him of Oharano.  His hugs were so nice too, warm and tight and loving, especially when their main purpose wasn’t to get Oharano to stop fussing about something.  Oharano loved his little gestures of kindness, the little things that made him want to believe.

Horikawa loves him.

But does he love Horikawa?

Oharano couldn’t be sure, even as he turned around in Horikawa’s arms, rolling over to press his face into his boyfriend’s neck.

Did he love Horikawa, or did he love the little niceties and attention he received after Horikawa had beaten him down and made him consider ending the relationship for good?

If it was the latter, Rational Oharano would say, _“Leave. Leave! You can find someone who treats you just as good, better even.”_

But each time he considered it, Oharano the fool countered with, _“You love him. You really love him! It can work, give him another chance!”_

Oharano the fool won again as Horikawa started to wake up, dark eyes foggy with sleep. A kiss to his hair made him melt, making him sink back into the bed as every muscle in his body relaxed, pressing him closer to Horikawa’s bare chest.

“Someone’s feeling cuddly this morning.”

Oharano grumbled, not letting the taunt faze him, even as he kicked at Horikawa’s shins under the covers.

Horikawa laughed, the deep sound rumbling in his chest as he hugged Oharano tightly. Oharano hated the sound of his laugh, so often having been the target of the merciless sound.  And yet, he loved the way his chest shook against his face, giving him a piece of the Horikawa he loved the most.

The happy Horikawa. The one that called him beautiful and gave him pet names and laughed at the things they both thought were funny.

Not the one that laughed at him.

Oharano pulled back, scooting back up the bed so that he could lay his head on Horikawa’s pillow again.  Horikawa’s hair was a mess, though probably better than his own, and he was staring at him with a curious expression on his face.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Horikawa weakly shrugged, dragging a hand down Oharano’s side and over his hip.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Of course you don’t. The stupid look on your face matches what’s going on between your ears.”

“Now, now, Etsugo. I’d have a much different look on my face if it really matched what I was thinking of right now.”

Oharano rolled his eyes before swatting Horikawa’s hand away to prevent him from traveling any lower. “You’re disgusting.”

“That’s not fair… You seemed to enjoy what my mind comes up with last night.” Horikawa rolled his hips once, bumping the front of Oharano’s body as he held him in place.

Oharano clicked his tongue and pinched Horikawa’s side, refusing to answer one way or the other.  Of course he had enjoyed it.  He always enjoyed when he was physically close with Horikawa.  He just wished that maybe, one day, they could be intimate without it being makeup sex after a fight.  Even if they had already made up last night, anything they did this morning would just feel like a continuation of that. Sometimes, he felt like Horikawa riled him up intentionally, just so that they could makeup later.

But just once, he wished Horikawa would just _want him_ when they weren’t just finished shouting at one another.

He wishes he could say no, just once. To not let Horikawa have his way, or give in to the little games he likes to play.

But it’s so hard to say no when he wants it just as bad.

Horikawa kisses his forehead and he gives in. Leans into his hold, melts into his skin. He loves this.  The tenderness he feels as Horikawa brushes his hair away from his forehead. Kisses his face, his ear, his neck. He loves the calluses on Horikawa’s strong hands, pressed into his back as he lifts a leg over Horikawa’s hip, pressing his skin as close to Horikawa as he can manage and only hoping that this was enough to make him understand how he feels.

The hurt, the hesitation, and the longing, all hidden away in Oharano’s heart, never spoken plainly, because he could never find the right words to say.

He convinced himself that he was part of the problem.

That Horikawa didn’t know, because he never said what was on his mind.

That the way Horikawa acted was his way of drawing Oharano out of his shell, to try and get him to say how he really felt, even if the words rushing through his mind weren’t always so nice.

“Am I forgiven now?”

“Yes” was all that Oharano could gasp as he came apart in Horikawa’s hands, letting himself be undone and exposed one more time.  He had a million things he wanted to say. But not one came to his lips as Horikawa rolled him onto his back, stealing his breath and his heart and every doubt he had been fussing over all morning.

This wasn’t good. He couldn’t say that it was what he wanted.

But the foolish part of his heart screamed that he loved him, with every flaw and negative trait.

This wasn’t what he wanted.

He wanted Horikawa to love him.

He wanted Horikawa to want him to stay.

He wanted this moment to be every single part of their relationship, even if it would never, ever be that way.

Horikawa kissed him, pressed him down into the bed, and made him forget.

Every mean word, every fight, every night without a call.

Just like he wanted. Oharano forgets everything that made him want to leave as Horikawa kissed him and made him feel loved.

Wanted.

He made him remember every reason why he never wanted to leave.


	2. Chapter 2

Why.

Why was he like this?

 _Why_  couldn’t he say one thing right? One thing that would lead to Oharano’s cute little smile rather than that broken, disappointed expression that Horikawa hated so much.

He had done it again. Without even really thinking about it. An offhand comment that was meant to be a joke, and there it was.

Wet eyes, trembling lips, jaw clenched so tightly that Horikawa was sure Oharano’s teeth would crack.

But…. he never cried. Oharano just glared at him with a stare so sharp that Horikawa was sure he was trying to stab him right in the heart.

Horikawa wasn’t sure what would be worse.  That awful glare, the one that always made Horikawa feel like he had really done it this time and Oharano was about to call the whole thing off. Or the tears that Horikawa had never ever seen, and never wanted to see.

Sometimes though, Horikawa sort of wished that he  _would_  cry.  That he would show some kind of emotion other than disgust or anger.  If Oharano cried, Horikawa may feel more inclined to reach out to him, comfort him, and apologize right on the spot before the situation had the chance to get even further out of hand.

But no.  Oharano just glared.  He glared and kept quiet, the silence bearing down on both of them until it was too much to handle. Oharano would leave, and Horikawa would let him go, too angry with Oharano and too angry with himself to make him stay.

Horikawa didn’t even understand  _why_  he was angry at Oharano. It wasn’t his fault. It never was.  Horikawa was just a big old asshole who apparently enjoyed making the sweetest boy in the world want to rip his head off.

Horikawa didn’t even know why he said some of the things he said sometimes.  He tried to understand what was going through his own head on nights when he was alone, still too stubborn to call Oharano and apologize. But yet, he still couldn’t figure it out, even after he had calmed down and he realized just how stupid he had been.

He said a lot of those things that hurt his boyfriend without really thinking. And maybe that was the problem.

All he knew was that he was making Oharano stop trusting him.  He had been so generous with so many vulnerable parts of himself, told Horikawa things he probably would never tell anyone else in the world, and he used those things against him. Out of spite? Anger? Or just to get a rise out of the boy who never so much as blinked when he was excited.

Horikawa was so stupid.

At the rate he was going, he would lose Oharano before he ever really had the chance to figure him out and prove to him that he actually cared about him.

How could he begin to fix that though?  Horikawa was never the best with his words, often choosing physical things to express how he was feeling instead.  That was why he and Oharano always ended up in bed when he called him over to apologize.  He would just see his face, tired and sad, all traces of anger gone from his body, and Horikawa would just kiss him, before he could even spit out the long-winded apology that he had been thinking of from the moment he decided to say he was sorry.  His words would get stuck in his throat, caught there as if his body was trying to tell him “Don’t. You’ll only make it worse.”

They wouldn’t speak at all. They would never discuss the fight they had had, lest it stir up all the negative feelings again. Horikawa could only hold him, their skin cooling down as their heart beats slowed, and he would whisper his plea for forgiveness.

_“Am I forgiven now, Etsugo?”_

A small “ _Yes”_  or a nod of his head and that was it. Benevolent forgiveness. Even though Horikawa had done  _nothing_  to deserve this.

They would put it behind them.

They would move on.

At least, until he said the next cruel thing, and the cycle would repeat.

Fight. Avoid. Fuck. Forgive.

Rinse your skin and repeat without actually talking about shit for maximum regret and fear for the future.

But not this time.  They couldn’t continue on like this again.

Horikawa was already lonely after two days of not being able to talk to Oharano.  Everything just felt colder without him around. He gotten no rest in this bed where he and Oharano had lain together so many times.  He always slept on the couch when his parents weren’t home after one of their fights, because he just couldn’t stand to be in the same spot where Oharano had been last time. His body so beautiful. Cheeks pink and hair a mess. He always looked so happy laying on Horikawa’s bed, a soft little smile curling up the corners of his lips.

God. He couldn’t let that get away.

He couldn’t lose that, and every good moment they had had together since they first started dating.

Because there had been good moments.  More good than bad at first, after Horikawa had worn Oharano down enough to let him take him out on a date. Oharano had  _hated_  him after he had messed with him during that practice match.  Horikawa just thought he was cute.  He was cute when he got mad. He was cute when he pouted.

But damn, he was beautiful when he smiled.

Horikawa had told him so before, but Oharano had probably just thought he was teasing because he sneered and turned away as if he had never said anything at all.  Horikawa wondered if Oharano realized how many of the compliments and praises he had given him were sincere and not just taunts to meant rile him up.

He  _did_  think Oharano was beautiful.

He did think it was cute when he laughs so hard he lets out a little snort.

He does like how soft Oharano’s hands are, especially when they’re drawing small little insignificant patterns on the skin of his arm.

Horikawa was sure Oharano never believed a word he said.  Every scoff, snicker, and eye roll said all it needed to about the faith Oharano had in what he told him.

Maybe he had teased too much, and now the only things Oharano believed were the negatives. Which was dumb because Oharano was damn near perfect so he shouldn’t have listened to all the bullshit coming out of his mouth in the first place.

No. That’s not right.

Horikawa shouldn’t have  _said_  any of that ridiculous, untrue bullshit to begin with.

He shouldn’t have said it over and over again, even as a “joke”, just because he could.

He didn’t know what was wrong with himself.

Oharano was the best part of his year. The bright spot of his week when he had a rough time at practice and at school.  The best few minutes of every day when they called each other right before bed, to hear each other’s voice and say goodnight.

Did Horikawa love him?

He would say yes if Oharano ever asked. His friends would say yes as they screamed that he was whipped and never spent any time with them anymore.

Oharano would probably say no.  The way he treated him  _screamed_  no.

No.

No.

_No._

_You don’t deserve him, Kenya._

Horikawa laid back on his bed, deliberately turning his head away from the spot that Oharano always laid when he was there. If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine that the blonde haired boy was laying right next to him. Close enough to touch, but separated by an inch of space. Horikawa wanted to reach out to him, just to make sure it wasn’t his imagination playing tricks on him.

But if he reached his hand out and he wasn’t there, all he would feel would be emptiness.

A hollow, aching emptiness that always rang out with an echo of disappointment and regret.

He always faced that feeling when he was truly worried that Oharano had finally had enough. That the next time they saw each other, it would be to break up.

It made him sick to his stomach.  He couldn’t eat. Could barely sleep on these quiet, terribly lonely days in between fights and apologies.

So he didn’t reach out. He just hugged his arms close to his chest, squeezed his phone tightly in his hand as he contemplated if it had been enough time that he wouldn’t mess this up if he called Oharano now.

The charm attached to his phone dug into his palm, forcing him to let go when the stinging sharp edge of the little hippo’s ears was too much to bear.  He had nabbed the little thing from Oharano a few months ago after it had fallen off of his backpack.  Horikawa had no idea what it was supposed to be, but Oharano had seemed shy to admit it was his, even if he had a phone case completely covered in the chubby little things. Horikawa had promised to fix it and give it back, but fixing it had comprised of attaching the charm to his own phone case and keeping it for himself because the dumb little hippo just reminded him of Oharano.

He'd have to take it off and throw it away if Oharano left him. He wouldn’t be able to stare at its cute little face anymore.

Horikawa unlocked his phone, staring at the picture of Oharano he had kept as his background. He had been teased  _mercilessly_  by his teammates for keeping a picture of his boyfriend on his phone’s screen, but Horikawa couldn’t even begin to care. He loved looking at Oharano’s face. It always made him smile, even right then when all he really wanted to do was scream.

Seeing Oharano’s sweet face only made Horikawa want to call him more. It was starting to get late, though. The sun had already set, and Oharano was probably finishing up dinner with his family or starting on some last minute homework.  But, if he waited too long, Oharano would already be asleep, and he would’ve missed the chance to hear his voice again.

Horikawa locked his screen, trying to convince himself to wait. Give it another day. Another hour. But, the phone was open again within another 30 seconds, Oharano’s handsome face smiling at him once more.

Horikawa could feel his hands shaking as he scrolled through his contacts, taking his sweet time to get down to Oharano’s name.  He could’ve easily gone to the recent calls, scrolled five pages less, but any extra second was one meant to weaken his confidence and give him an out if he just couldn’t do it yet.

His finger hovered over Oharano’s contact name, made obnoxiously cute with little hearts and kissy faces one day when his teammates stole his phone.  One tap would send him to a phone call.

His chest felt heavy, and his legs like stone. It felt like an eternity before he could gather the courage to will his hands to move, to just start the call already and talk to his boyfriend. He rolled onto his back, and tried to keep breathing as the line rang.

It wasn’t much, but it was at least a little bit easier to breath when Oharano finally answered, calling out his name like he had been expecting him all night.

“Kenya.”

Horikawa swallowed thickly, voice stuck in his throat as he waited for Oharano to say something more.  He was always so blunt, never expanded beyond what was directly asked of him. And apparently, not even a hello this time. 

“Yeah, its me.”

“Do you need something?”

Horikawa stared up at his ceiling, not sure how to respond to that question.  The first response that came to his mind was  _“You. I **need**  you.”_But Oharano wouldn’t believe him. He’d probably hang up the phone, accusing him of being mean before the line went dead.

“I…I just wanted to see how you were.”

“Fine.”

So short. To the point. Even more so than usual. Horikawa couldn’t tell if that was a good or a bad thing. He couldn’t detect one emotion in Oharano’s voice tonight. Not sadness, not anger. Definitely not a glimpse of happiness that he had called.

“What are you doing tomorrow night?”

Oharano paused, and Horikawa imagined he was just checking the calendar on his phone to see if he was free. Not that he was intentionally being difficult to drag this conversation out for longer.

“After practice? Nothing.”

“Cool. Do you want to meet me somewhere?”

Oharano clicked his tongue and Horikawa just imagined him rolling his eyes.

“What? Somewhere like your house?”

“Nah, I was thinking like. A restaurant or something.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

Horikawa sighed and closed his eyes. He ran a hand through his hair as he tried to get the words to unstick from his chest.

“I want to talk.”

Horikawa laid there, eyes closed, for what felt like an eternity. He swore he could hear Oharano moving on the other end of the line, but he couldn’t be sure with the way his heart was beating in his ears.  He pulled his phone away from his face, frowning when he saw the line was still connected.

“Etsugo?”

“Yeah.”

His voice sounded thick. Wet.  Horikawa felt his chest tighten. He didn’t even know what he had done wrong this time.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Fine.” 

Oharano’s response was much too fast. Like he just wanted Horikawa to drop it, ignore the sound of his voice and forget about it.  He knew Oharano would hang up on him if he pressed too much.

“So tomorrow-”

“Just text me when and where. I have to go. Night.”

Horikawa wanted to reach out, pull him back, but Oharano wasn’t in front of him. The line was dead before Horikawa could even mumble out what he really wanted to say.  The  _one thing_  that was the whole point of this phone call.

“I love you, Etsugo.”

Whispered only to a dark room, Horikawa threw his phone to the floor and covered his face with his hands. If it broke, it broke. Oharano was the only one he wanted to talk to at this point anyway.

But he couldn’t even do that right. Couldn’t talk to him. Couldn’t tell him his feelings without making him upset.

Horikawa couldn’t even make him feel loved.

And if he couldn’t even do that…. what was the point?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that Oharano Etsugo likes Moomin and Horikawa Kenya has a notebook with a cutesy frog on it.


	3. Chapter 3

Exhausted.

Queasy.

Scared.

He hadn’t slept,  _couldn’t_  sleep after Horikawa had called him last night.  Horikawa had finally done it, which might have been his goal all along.

Oharano had cried.

Laid in his bed, hugged his pillow to his chest, and sobbed, wanting it to just all be over.  To stop the games and stop the hurt and just move on. Move on to whatever life had in store for him after this roller coaster of a relationship.

He had gone to school, but skipped practice after some of his senpai told him to go home.  Apparently, he had looked like he was about to lose his lunch all over the practice field and needed a nice long nap before the next day.

Oharano didn’t even fight it.

He didn’t want to be there. It was dumb, but rugby now reminded him of Horikawa, and anything to do with him just made him feel sick.

He had even left his phone in his bag all day, not able to look at his face on the screen.

Smiling, happy, kissing Oharano on the cheek like nothing was wrong. Like nothing had ever been wrong.

He was forced to look at that face once at a quarter past five.  Horikawa had just finished practice and was just on his way to their meetup location. His hands were shaking as he typed back “ok”. Oharano would get there first if he left now. But he could hardly will his legs to move as he swung them off his bed, picking up his coat and keys as he made his way to the front door.

His brother asked where he was going. Oharano told him not to worry, finish his homework. He’d probably be back soon. 

He couldn’t imagine what would make him want to hang around long after he listened to what Horikawa had to say.

The sun was starting to set as he stepped out of his house.  The days were getting shorter, the nights colder, and Oharano felt it was very fitting that he would spend all of them alone. He deserved all of this.

If only he could’ve told Horikawa how he truly felt sooner. Maybe…they could’ve fixed it then.

But now, it felt too late.

There was nothing he could do.

The thought made his eyes burn, but he promised himself he wouldn’t cry again. Not until he was locked away in his room, away from everyone who would try to pester him into talking about his feelings until he was “okay”.

Rational Oharano whispered in his ear that this was never going to be okay. It would always hurt, every time he thought about it.

Oharano the fool was nowhere to be found. Squashed silent, sitting with his head down in the back of his mind.

Oharano stuffed his hands into the pockets of his coat, his right hand tightly wrapped around his phone in case Horikawa tried to contact him. If he didn’t, Oharano would just wait for him where they had already agreed to meet.

Horikawa had changed his mind between last night and this morning. Not a restaurant. A restaurant was too crowded he said. A park was much better. One between their homes, so that neither had far to walk when they were done for the night.

He probably just didn’t want Oharano to be in a place where he could make a scene. No need to be banned from any restaurants for this.

It wasn’t worth it.

None of it was worth it.

What was the point of the past few months if it was going to end just like this?

_“Stop it. You don’t even know what he has to say.”_

There he was. The fool back to try and restore his hope that it wasn’t as bad as it truly felt. He had tried to save him last night, screaming  _“Remember, you love him!”_ before Oharano had shut him out. Ignored him in favor of the sinking feeling and his chest.

Oharano shook his head to clear it of those thoughts. The ones that gave him false hope when there was nothing left to be hopeful about.  He didn’t want to go in to this encounter with expectations.  Good or bad.

But the bad thoughts were so hard to keep quiet.

Horikawa was not at the park when Oharano arrived. He didn’t expect him to be.  He had probably arrived a good ten to twenty minutes early, just to clear his head and give himself a chance to think.

The park was nearly empty.  All the children had gone home for the night, called in by the light of the streetlamps.  The only people left were those hurrying through as a short cut, coats pulled tightly around themselves as they pushed through the chill air.

For once, Oharano didn’t mind the cold. Winter wasn’t really one of his favorite seasons, but the crisp breeze numbed his skin.  It made him feel one thing less.

Oharano sat down on a low platform of the children’s playground, the cold metal of the fixture biting into his skin through his jeans. He considered a bench a few meters away, but decided that that would be too close to the sidewalk.  Anyone could hear their conversation if it took place on that bench, which was obviously exactly what Horikawa didn’t want.

Oharano pulled his knees up to his chin, hugging his legs tightly as he stared out across the park.  It was relatively small, just a little place for the kids to come play and the nearby families to come walk their dogs. It wouldn’t be difficult to see Horikawa coming as soon as he got there, even with the natural light fading in to darkness.

And yet, even if he was anticipating Horikawa’s arrival for a full fifteen minutes before the other boy appeared, his heart still began to beat frantically, even making it hard to breath, as soon as he saw Horikawa’s tall silhouette in the near distance.

He moved the same as always. Long, confident strides that were still somewhat lazy. He was recognizable even from a distance where it was difficult to see even his face.  Dressed in all black, most likely in his warmups from Sagami. He looked to be carrying something as he got closer. Cups of coffee by the look of it.

It seemed to take Horikawa a few minutes to locate him, as he paused under a street lamp before locking his dark eyes on him. It seemed like it was only two strides before Horikawa was in front of him, setting the cups of coffee on the platform just behind him before tossing his backpack onto the ground.

“Etsugo… Sorry for making you wait, I just wanted to get us something warm before I came out here.”

Oharano frowned, letting his legs fall from the platform until they dangled just above the ground. “I don’t like coffee.”

“I know. That’s why I got you tea.” Horikawa stood in front of him, arms crossed over his chest as he looked at Oharano’s face. If he saw anything there (exhaustion, queasiness, fear), he said nothing, simply pulling Oharno forward until his feet were on the ground. Horikawa wrapped him in a quick hug, a normal form of greeting for them, before allowing Oharano to climb back into his spot. 

Oharano squeezed his eyes shut, hoping Horikawa wouldn’t look him directly in the face, and let his hands sit loosely in his lap.  Horikawa pressed the warm cup into his palms, and Oharano almost fussed, whining internally that he was too weak right now to hold it. That it would fall right through his fingers and onto the gravely ground.

But it didn’t.

Horikawa sat beside him, squeezing himself into the small space he had left open. His feet actually touched the ground from the platform they were sitting on, but he didn’t make a joke about Oharano being too short to touch the ground.  He simply leaned back on one arm, his hand falling onto the metal just behind Oharano’s back, sipping at his coffee and wasting time.

They sat like that for a while. Oharano’s cup going cold in his hands, Horikawa looking at everything but him. It was too much to take. The silence. The obvious bid for time as Horikawa avoided actually saying what he came here to say.

The first tears were silent as they hit Oharano’s cheeks, lips pressed into a tight line as he tried with all his might to hold it in.

Don’t make a sound.

Don’t let him know.

Don’t show him how much you’re hurting.

The tears wouldn’t stop and Oharano couldn’t keep himself from sniffling. Horikawa caught him rubbing at his eyes out of the corner of his eyes, cup halting halfway to his mouth before he tossed it away to put his hand on Oharano’s knee.

“Etsugo? Why are you crying?” Horikawa’s voice was gravelly, as if he had a lump in his throat as well. His tone held more concern than Oharano had ever heard coming out of his mouth more.

It only made him sob harder as he covered his mouth with one hand, trying to cover up his pathetic whimpers as Horikawa leaned against him. Horikawa pulled his cup out of his hand before it fell to the ground, setting it behind them before doing his best to pull him into a hug.

“ _Don’t.”_ Oharano hissed as Horikawa wrapped his arms around him, trying to press his blonde head against his shoulder. “Don’t touch me.”

Horikawa leaned back as if he had been stung, mouth hanging open dumbly as he tried to think of a coherent response. He still held a hand on Oharano’s back as if he was afraid he would run away if he let him go completely.

“I don’t….I don’t understand.” Horikawa never sounded so unsure of himself. It almost gave Oharano a sick sense of satisfaction if it wasn’t for the rolling feeling in his stomach. “I don’t know what I did wrong this time.”

Oharano rolled his eyes and tried to shake Horikawa’s hand off his back, to no avail. He was the one who didn’t understand. Why was Horikawa being so casual with his touches? Why did he want to touch him at all? It felt like he was still teasing him, cruel as that was. Playing with Oharano’s emotions one last time before it all ended.

“I’m cold. Why did you call me out here?” Oharano cringed at the sound of his own voice. So nasally and scratchy because he was still crying like a big baby.

“Why? Because… I wanted to spend time with you.” Horikawa reached out his hand, pulling it back into a fist when Oharano yanked his arm away. “I missed you.”

Oharano shook his head, staring down at the tips of his shoes as he wrapped his arms around his body. 

“I know why you don’t believe me, and I’m sorry for that.” Horikawa’s hand fell away from Oharano’s back, leaving a cold, stabbing mark on his skin.  Horikawa clasped his hands in his lap, following suit by staring at the ground, rather than at Oharano with fresh tears on his face.  “I’m sorry for a whole lot of shit that I wish I had never said. I never meant for us to end up like this.  I understand if you don’t forgive me, or don’t believe that I’m sincere, but I just wanted to actually say it for once. I’m sorry.”

Oharano opened his mouth, ready to bite back with a snappy comment. But no words came out, only a shaking breath that rattled in his chest. He bit his lips, waiting for Horikawa to continue, but as silence fell over the park, save for a few speeding cars on the road a few blocks over, Oharano realized that it was now up to him.

“Why don’t you just do it already? Get it over with so I can go home.” Oharano hugged his arms tightly, squeezing his fingers into his biceps as he waited.

“What are you talking about?” Horikawa sounded genuinely confused by his question. Not exactly what Oharano was expecting. He could feel Horikawa staring at him, so he stuck out his bottom lip and stared right back.

“You called me out here to apologize and clear your conscious. You wanted to make yourself feel better by doing the ‘ _right thing’_  before breaking up with me. I’ve been ready since last night, so just.” Oharano waved his hand between them, as if he was both giving Horikawa permission and waving him off at the same time. “Do it already.”

“What? I don’t want to break up with you.” Horikawa’s voice gave away his hurt. His jaw was set as he clenched his teeth together and he turned away, hiding his face in the shadow of the streetlight. “Do you want me to?”

“I…” Oharano let his voice trailed off, no longer sure of what he wanted anymore.  A break up was what he came prepared for, so he couldn’t be certain that that was what he really wanted, or merely something he had accepted. “I don’t know.”

“Is that what you thought I meant when I said I wanted to talk to you out here?” Horikawa rubbed at the corner of his eye with his fingers, his voice thick as he turned back to face Oharano again.  “I just. Wanted to get away from my house so that we could actually talk about shit for once instead of ending up in bed. I thought that would be something you wanted.”

Oharano frowned, entire face pulling into a pout as he rubbed at his cheek with the edge of his sleeve.

“Well say  _something_. You can’t just ask me to break up with you and then stare at me like that.” Horikawa lifted his hand, wiping off Oharano’s other cheek with his thumb. His face softened as Oharano let him do so, instead of pushing him away.  “I can’t read your mind. I don’t know what’s going on in there unless you tell me.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Oharano rubbed his nose with the sleeve of his jacket, sniffing once when he was sure no more tears were coming.  “I’m still mad at you. You’re shitty at telling me what you’re thinking, too.”

“I know. I want to get better at that.” The corner of Horikawa’s mouth tilted up in a sad smile, and he pushed a strand of Oharano’s hair behind his ear before pulling his hands away again.  “I don’t want to break up with you though. I really do miss you when you’re pissed at me. It’s worse knowing it’s all my fault.”

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?” Oharano turned his body away from Horikawa, crossing his arms across his chest in the process.  He felt Horikawa wince beside him, sinking in to himself as he dug his fingers into his own thighs.  Oharano sighed and tried to relax. He was tired of being angry.  “I don’t want to break up either. For right now.”

Horikawa leaned closer to him, lifting an eyebrow in question. “For right now?”

Oharano leaned back as well, his back hitting a metal support pole. “Yeah.”

“That’s good enough I guess.” Horikawa leaned away, giving Oharano more space.

“That’s all you’re getting right now.”

Falling in to silence, they stared at the scene in front of them. The world around them looked cold. Dead grass. Metal swings creaking in the wind. Bare trees shaking their branches as a storm started to blow in.

But in their little circle of light, under a street lamp, on their little playground platform, it almost looked warm.

Horikawa held out a hand to him, palm up, just over the small part between their thighs.  Oharano sighed as he placed his hand in Horikawa’s, letting his larger hand swallow his in warmth.  Oharano hadn’t realized how cold he had been getting until he could hold Horikawa again so timidly. 

“Hey, Etsugo.”

Oharano nodded his head, toes scratching in the gravel beneath their feet.

“I love you.”

Oharano stopped swinging his legs, turning to look up at Horikawa with a frown.

“Don’t tease me.”

“I’m not.”

Horikawa wasn’t smiling. At least not his normal, cocky, taunting smile. His brows were pulled together, and his lips formed a sharp line, as if he was actually concerned with how Oharano was receiving this confession.

As if he actually cared if Oharano rejected him or not.

Oharano sighed, letting his head dip down as he pulled on Horikawa’s hand, urging him to lean in and warm him with a hug. Their arms slid around each other, holding each other tightly as if it were the last time they would get to see each other. Horikawa’s face pressed against his hair, breathing him in so he could never forget how he felt in this moment where they both knew maybe things could get better.

“We’ll work on this, right?” Oharano’s voice was muffled against Horikawa’s jacket, but he knew he had been understood as the taller boy nodded against him.

“We will.”

Oharano nodded in return, burying his face in Horikawa’s chest. He could feel Horikawa’s hands running over his back, soothing the soft sobs that had started up again without him even realizing it.

But these tears weren’t tears of sadness.

Oharano the fool whispered to him that they were tears of relief. That he didn’t have to worry or doubt or be afraid anymore.

“ _I told you so._ ”

With a deep sigh that let all the exhaustion back in his body, Oharano stopped his tears. Maybe he didn’t have to worry or doubt Horikawa’s feelings any longer.

He didn’t even have to doubt his own, even if he wasn’t ready to say out loud that he loved Horikawa in return.

But he was afraid.

Afraid of being vulnerable. Afraid of exposing himself in a completely different way that would actually allow their relationship to progress, rather than being stuck in a sick cycle that left them both drained and unhappy.

He was afraid of the effort. Afraid that it wouldn’t work. Afraid that even after all of the things that they could try, that it still wouldn’t work, and they’d be having this same conversation again with a much unhappier end.

He was afraid, and he knew Horikawa was just as scared as his hands shook as they ran through Oharano’s hair.

They had even less ground to stand on than when they first started dating. Fewer reasons to be together after all they had been through.

But, Oharano couldn’t help but smile, tightening his hands in Horikawa’s jacket, as his boyfriend whispered once more that he loved him.

They could build a foundation on that alone.

An I love you to remember what they were trying to save.

It may seem foolish to continue working on such a rocky surface. It even seemed foolish to Oharano himself as he clung to Horikawa for dear life.

But maybe he was a fool.

Maybe he loved Horikawa too much to let this go.

And just maybe for once, he wanted his foolish self to be right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done, and I'm sorry it took so long I was too lazy to edit for months.
> 
> But its done and I'm still happy with it! The school year is almost over, and that means I'll be off work from June - August 1, so, come on and send me some asks over at ebumimasaru on tumblr to tell me some things you'd like to see from me over the summer!

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic as a one shot, but then when I gave it to a friend to read, she screamed at me until I wrote a part two. And then a part three. So here we are. Horikawa is one of my favorite characters even though we don’t know much about him yet, and I’m excited for the potential for his relationship with Oharano. Please stick around for the next two chapters!


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